I was recently asked to discuss ‘motherhood’ for EveryOtherMother, an event founded by the fabulous Sally McIlhone. She is passionate about celebrating and giving voice to creative women, who also happen to be juggling parenting. It’s a topic close to my heart and I was so grateful to be part of it. Below, are the words I read out to the lovely audience at The Phoenix Theatre & Arts centre and the inspirational women who stood alongside me.
I spent a long time thinking about the term ‘Motherhood’. Essentially, what was actually at its heart, what it entailed, was it the same for everyone? It’s a very delicate subject to discuss and compartmentalise because everyone’s journey is unique.
Everyone has their own circumstances and decision making which defines their own personal pathway of motherhood.
So, I did what any normal person would do – I Googled it.
The first definition of motherhood that popped up was this; ‘the state of being a mother.’ My initial reaction was to swear quite ferociously at the screen. It struck me as cold, clinical and completely devoid of emotion it was, when motherhood is a daily raging emotional rollercoaster ride. Then I dug a little deeper in to the meaning behind ‘state’ and I thought, begrudgingly, perhaps there is a nugget of truth in this.
Regardless of those pathways and unique decisions we make a gazillion times throughout the course of a day as a mother, there is a commonality, one that Google has begrudgingly hit upon. It’s not the act of ‘being a mother’ but in fact, being in a ‘state.’
As a formal noun, ‘state’ can also be a ‘situation,’ a ‘condition’ or ‘circumstance’ that someone is in at a specific time. Informally then, ‘state’ can imply agitated, anxious or in an untidy condition.
agitated, anxious & untidy
In summary, according to Google, the expansion of the Motherhood definition reads as such: we, us mums, are ‘in an agitated and anxiety riddled situation looking particularly untidy at any given time’.
Well, you’re not wrong there, Google.
But surely motherhood means so much more?
This state, this commonality shared in motherhood, although riddled with negative connotations, is in fact underpinned by positivity. The negatives are in fact positives. Every state of motherhood, I believe, is fuelled by this. Love. Kindness. Selflessness; an instinctively ferocious ball of love to keep your human being alive.
This state of agitation and anxiety fuelled untidiness then – let’s find those positives.
I am agitated because two or three days postpartum, I’ve not slept, I’ve no idea if I’ll be able to feed my baby and I have to face the prospect of doing my first poo after recently squeezing out a tiny human. Which has now become a more terrifying prospect than birth.
I am a whole heap of untidy. See above. And I don’t sleep because this human being is amazing and what if something happens to your breathing? And I’m asleep.
I am riddled with anxiety at the ‘how many layers of clothes my baby should wear’ conundrum because I’ve no idea that babies can’t regulate their own temperature and what if you’re too cold or too hot? It is my job to fret to ensure I keep you alive and well. I will also look slightly untidy as a result of this and that I’ve yet to brush my teeth…just in case you get too hot, too cold, sleep for too long, sleep too little.
I let you play with pasta shapes and saucepans of water because I know your motor skills will sharpen, you learn science stuff like volume, weight, gravity. You start to dream of bigger vessels to fill and pour and stack and soak. You become a scientist, an artist, a student, a dreamer.
I get to drink a cup of lukewarm tea, but out of the corner of my eye I watch you because I am anxious that one of those pasta shells will end up in your nostril soon enough. The smile is fixed on my face like the Joker as I sidestep the puddles forming on the floor, but that’s ok, you’re learning so much. I know you will achieve great things. But that’s love. That’s kindness.
Over feeding, fussy eating. Crying. Underestimating the crawling speed of a seven-month-old. The precision timing of mixing a bottle while out for the day so as not to give your child listeria or make them wait impatiently while the volcanically hot milk cools.
High chair purchases. Step away from the luxury floral padded lovelies or architectural ones that compliment your curtains. There is only one by the way. When your bundle of joy is smearing warm mushed Weetabix into crevices you didn’t know existed and it dries to the hardest substance known to man, only the military designed IKEA Antilop high chair is fit for purpose.
Then there’s illness, school selection anxiety, the school run, school mums, school WhatsApp groups. Those agitations and anxieties last forever. But it stems from love and knowing they will achieve great things because of it.
an instinctively ferocious ball of love
When you pull your best ninja kicks on your brother, I agitatedly shout out the many reasons why this is not ok. It’s not fair, I know, but at its heart is playground etiquette, office etiquette, the delicate science of bones even – key social skills. It’s learning play so you don’t get beaten up by someone who doesn’t much care for it. And also, because any minute now he’s going to whack you back. I am teaching you that this is not ok and I am also a tiny bit scared you will get hurt. I agree that you could become a black belt superstar but suggest channelling those kicks in a controlled space like karate lessons – you’ll be amazing.
You get the idea, those negative ‘states’ are instrumental to the wellbeing and success of our children. They are founded on positives.
There is also another permutation of the word ‘state’ and that is it’s verb form, meaning ‘to express something definitely or clearly.’ Aside from all the agitation and crying and anxiety you mean? What is the expression? I have affectionately coined it ‘the nod’.
When we mothers emerge postpartum, our initial hopes and dreams of birthing an angelic baby in a warm pool of water whilst serenaded by whale sounds, often unravel fairly quickly once we’re on the other side. We are battered, bruised, pummelled, prodded, stitched, numbed, drugged, drowsy, famished, leaking, dazed, exhilarated, amazed, upside down and inside out. Slightly untidy, you might say.
But you have achieved something great and your job now is to continue that greatness above all else.
The nod. You see ‘the nod’ everywhere – coffee shops, high streets, Waitrose….When the beautiful glowing mum-to-be excitedly talks about hypnobirthing, reusable nappies and coordinated changing bags, we mothers nod. It’s not condescension, or pity or judgement, it’s simply knowledge gained when you’ve come out the other side. It’s the knowledge to never to dismiss these dreams.
We hope dearly that you have the birth of your dreams and that your baby sleeps through and that you can contribute to less landfill. That is truly amazing. It didn’t happen for me on either occasion, but I hope your dreams flourish. I will not push my experience on to you. When I nod then, it is simply kindness. The nod is knowledge, because, that is our job now.
Exploring the wider meaning motherhood, brings me full circle. Yes, it means so much more than simply ‘the state of being a mother’ and it pains me to have to extrapolate its greater meaning. I think we need to educate Google and its definition of Motherhood and turn the negative connotation into a positive.
I’ll see your ‘state of being a mother’ Google, and raise you this: ‘Motherhood; The selfless act of perpetuating hopes and dreams’.
never dismiss these dreams
